Happiness

Duck Rabbit

We often talk about being open minded, don’t we?

Wanting to unlock our potential.

See another person’s perspective.

The world through another’s eyes.

For some people it comes more naturally, but for most of us it can take some training.

This Or That?

We live in an increasingly polarized world.

Left or right.

Black or white.

Binary or not binary.

Climate change believer or denier, etc.

This tears our world apart, but ultimately has nothing to do with our world.

Only the way our brains are wired.

Like a computer—0,1.

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Feel Amazing At Will (Pt 2.)

A buddy told me that in writing about my most amazing discovery on feeling how you want, I alluded to an uber secret to happiness and then dropped the mic and walked off stage.

It’s somewhat true…

In some ways my work is done. I’ve spent the better part of 20 years obsessively seeking answers to 3 life questions and this was the final piece.

The answer to feeling amazing at will, The Ultimate Solution, is so SUPER SIMPLE, and laughably ludicrous, yet it’s not easy to unpack, even with my clients who are deep on these topics.

That’s because it requires you to “out evolve” our most fundamental biological and social conditioning.

This Doesn’t Cause That

Poor baby is crying because she’s got a dirty diaper.

Notice what the “because” does to that sentence…

It rationalizes feeling crap. It makes sense to kick and scream because of a dirty diaper, right?

Wrong. That’s the problem.

At our most basic level we’re conditioned to believe that not getting/doing what we want is cause for us to “feel worse,” and satisfying our wants is cause for us to feel better.

Of course I’m not suggesting that we should leave baby in a soiled diaper to teach it to feel good irrespective of conditions, I’m merely highlighting how this pattern gets conditioned throughout our lives.

A few years later a bigger baby doesn’t get the ice cream it wants and throws a tantrum. Or is begging for a new toy that will absolutely satisfy it… until it’s crying for the next.

20 years later the even bigger baby is upset because they didn’t get the new sweater in mauve or is so desperately seeking that partner to feel complete.

It’s true that biologically we move away from what we don’t want and towards what we do, but that’s different to growing up believing this is the cause of how we feel.

Why Are You So Happy?

Hidden inside that seemingly innocent question is the cause of much misery in our world.

Why do we need a “because” to feel happy? Why do we need a cause, instead of being happy for no reason? (because many people are unhappy blaming some reason)

I recently saw a quote from a double amputee that said something like, “People ask me how I can be so positive without my legs, I ask them how they can be so negative with theirs.”

Do you see what’s implied? That having legs “should” cause you to be happy, and having them removed should cause misery.

Now, I’m not suggesting that we should be indifferent to having our legs cut off but I am pointing out that if legs were the cause of happiness we wouldn’t live in a Prozac world.

Because it relies on this flawed cause and effect thinking, nearly all of the research on happiness is wrong.

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My Most Amazing Discovery—Feel How You Want

In the last couple of decades, the focus of my work has been through three major evolutions:

In the old days it was about getting what you want because I believed that would make my life everything I imagined.

Coming from a place of lack the brain seeks those things it thinks will make it feel full (full-filled) but we all know this feeling is fleeting.

And after many years of getting and still not feeling “complete,” I came to see doing is where it’s at.

“It’s not about getting somewhere,” I would have said, “It’s about being immersed in doing what you want…”

Nice try… It’s true, but still incomplete.

Feeling is where it’s at.

Getting Demands More Getting

Growing up working poor I figured that when I got what I wanted I would feel how I wanted.

I was right, then, quickly, wrong…

How often do we get what we want, only to then set our sights on the next thing that we “think” we want?

All the time!

We’re no happier than we were after WWII because we quickly adapt to what we have.

We live inside a half-empty brain that no matter what it gets seeks more things to fill it up.

But that brain can never feel full. Enough is never enough.

Like a yin that at its deepest level is missing yang, it’s incomplete wiring leads the brain to constantly seek that next thing it needs to feel good.

A reason is that our thinking and feeling faculties are separated like a car and driver. The thinking mind can’t feel anything and projects lack onto the feeling body, which means no amount of getting is satiating.

Seeing through this lie of thinking, I saw beyond getting, to doing.

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A Key to Feeling Amazing—Right Now

In 2010 when I moved to Vail Colorado I was escaping to the mountains for more than just the skiing.

It was the hardest time in my life, and I was there to transform.

I had chosen a job that was way too hard for me, I was stuck in my work, feeling like crap beating up on myself, and I needed to fix my head.

I needed to become mentally stronger and clear the roadblocks my mind had put in my way; work that would take me another two seasons back to my mountain chrysalis.

It was there, in the isolation of the mountains, I began to go deep into the mind with hours of meditation and hypnosis a day, including while barreling down the hill.

It was there, even after a decade of R&D’g personal development, I began to appreciate the depth of these topics, and I started my 7+ year obsession with the mind.

Going down the rabbit hole I’ve focused on a lot of super deep ideas over the years, but ultimately, I began with just one.

How Do You Feel Amazing Every Day?

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Why Many Rich and Famous Will Never Be Happy

Recently I saw this quote from Mark Cuban—“Work like there is someone working 24 hours a day to take it all away from you.”

Back in the day I would have vigorously agreed, but not today.

While his quote might powerfully resonate in sport, like Andy Grove’s notion of business paranoia it is hardly a fulfilling way to live your life.

Paradox of Success

A couple of weeks ago over dinner with a Silicon Valley hitter, we got talking about the relationship between success and happiness.

He observed that although the big name Silicon Valley players seem to have it all, when you spend time with some of them, seeing them running ragged chasing the next bouncing ball, you wonder, where is the joyfulness?

This I call the paradox of success—The more success you achieve, the more success you require to feel fulfilled.

Not to dump this complex subject on you right here, but the paradox is that the success-driven brain isn’t programmed for happiness.

It is programmed to believe that when it achieves success—which is impossible because success can always be defined as “more”—happiness will follow.

But it doesn’t. The brain and happiness don’t work that way. Hence why Robin Williams hung himself from a door and many successful people have more dollars than smiles.

People identified to their “success program” will never be happy because like the “oxygen program” that demands constant breathing, the success program’s desire for more, more, more can never be satisfied.

Not to rain on the world’s consumer parade, but this is why us humans will keep getting more wealthy and less happy.

Take Time Away From It

My success program has served me exceptionally well, but the morning after my dinner flying out to Vail I decided to check it with the luggage at the plane door.

I resolved: No writing. No reading. Minimal emails, client calls, and ranting like Geoff Blades.

It wasn’t easy for me. I love my work and in many ways doing my work is doing what I want (and indeed even experimenting with not working is working), but in taking time off I returned to New York with fresh realizations.

I used to brag that on a weekend trip to Cabo while sitting by the pool I read half a dozen books, but today I would just be hanging with my girl in the sun.

A suicide bomber working for 72 virgins and a maniacal Silicon Valley player might be driven by different goals, but neither of them is living today.

Do yourself a favor this summer. Check your success program and find the time to kick back and smell the sunshine!

P.S. You can read here more mindset articles.