Relationship advice 101: Never give it.
Relationship advice 102: Suggest the opposite of what most people do.
A friend of mine is having a problem with her boyfriend. I won’t go into the nuances of how he is being a jerk (of course, according to her) but you can safely assume that most relationship issues go down the same way.
She wants him to do something. He doesn’t want to do it. She gets all up in his grill. He even more doesn’t want to do it.
Sound familiar. So what’s the solution?
If you want to get someone to do what you want, first begin by putting them in the emotional state of wanting to do it. So, while she has been nagging at him like a broken toilet, threatening to do this or that if he doesn’t comply, instead I suggested to her that she go the opposite way.
Rather than giving him grief, instead give him more love. Tell him how much she loves him and how important he is to her, shower him with affection, then, when he is feeling all warm and fuzzy, find a way to frame your “ask” so that he is amenable to wanting to do it.
Now, of course I’m not sharing this with you because I know you need help in dealing with your spouse, but because getting what you want in your career works exactly the same way.
The NUMBER ONE rule of influence is: to get someone to do what you want, they must want to do it.
That means, as Henry Ford once put it, “arouse in the other person an eager want.”
So, if you want to get your boss to pay you more or promote you, rather than trying to “get them” to do it, instead begin the other way by asking: What puts them in the emotional state of wanting to do it?
Now, here’s where most people on Wall Street get it completely wrong.
Because they [mostly poorly] negotiate for a living and firmly understand the importance of leverage in any negotiation, they figure the best way to get their firm to comply with their “demands” is to produce some type of leverage.
Look, that’s an important part of the equation, and you’ll soon see in my book that it is part of the formula for getting paid and promoted, but it is only a small part of it.
Instead, imagine seeing the world through the eyes of your boss. Imagine seeing you as an employee from the perspective of your firm. And, begin by asking yourself, if you were them, what would make you want to pay and promote you?
Would it because you are a good team player? Nope. Because you are a culture carrier? Nope. Because you drive more revenues than anyone else? Nope. Because if they lost you they would be destitute? Nope.
That might all be part of the equation, but remember, there is only one reason they will want to pay and promote you:
BECAUSE THEY WANT TO DO IT.
So, ask yourself, what would make them want to do it?
The answer is relationship advice 103: Always appeal to self interest!!!
So, with my friend, I had her give her man the wonderful feeling of what it is like to have her fully loving him and giving him everything he enjoys. Not only does that create some sense of reciprocity to do something good for her, but it is giving him a drenching taste of what he has to lose from not giving her what she wants.
That is relationship advice 104: Use a carrot and a stick.